Festivus: Part One

I intend to "celebrate" Festivus today instead of tainting (yeah, I said "taint") next week's holiday activities.

(Hey, even though I had my mom, I actually love my kids enough to NOT ruin their holiday.)

Additionally, I only intend to partake in the Airing of Grievances (and not the Festivus Pole or the Feats of Strength).

The celebration of Festivus begins with the "Airing of Grievances". It consists of lashing out at others and the world about how one has been disappointed in the past year.

DH is supposed to do this too, but he has thrown it on my shoulders to play bad cop.

Ready?

Here we go...

Grievance 1: DH - I have a real problem with you, Mister. You allegedly celebrate Festivus but have left it up to ME to write the damn Festivus blog. (Weenie!) For this, you will be punished by unexpectedly pedaling through horse poop on your next mtb ride.

Grievance 2a: Multiple Parties...mostly female (alleged or perceived romantic relationships) - Grow the fuck up and deal with your shit without creating so much effing drama. Guess what? If you feel that you should ask someone else's opinion about whether you are being irrational, immature, or unhealthy, you probably are.

If you have to convince yourself or seek other people to convince you that the person you have feelings for has feelings for you in return, they probably do not and you have created it all in your head. Regardless, if the person that you have feelings for has not returned those feelings, then you should move on. Period. (This is totally where the whole "Shit or get off the pot" expression can be used. Try it. It works.) That being said, you are not allowed to throw a blue streaked fit if they choose to get off the pot and this is where the "growing up" begins again...

Grievance 2b: Multiple Parties...mostly (but not only) female (everyday stuff) - Grow the fuck up and deal with your shit without creating so much effing drama. (hmmmm...that sounds vaguely familiar, yes?) It's not that tough. Really. Life just is not that fucking difficult. There are people who have it worse and there are people who have it better. Deal. With. It. Before you open your mouth to bitch about something/someone, ask yourself how you would feel being at the receiving end of the bitching. Ask yourself how you would feel to hear it. What if it was about you? Would you rather the person come directly to you? Take a deep breath and proceed in the appropriate manner.

Personally? I do not give a rat's ass. I do not give a shit who you like or dislike. However, if you attempt to drag me in the middle of your shit, I assure you that you will regret it and you will likely end up with a stutter and a twitch and will most certainly cry.

Believe me, I do not wish to make you cry and frankly no one can make another person cry, but generally you needy, spineless, whiny people are the ones prone to dropping tears at a fart's notice.

This does not please or entertain me and does nothing to gain my respect. If it happens to be between the 21st and 28th day of your cycle, I *may* be more forgiving, but it really depends on where I am in my own cycle.

Good luck to you if you continue this behavior after Festivus and after I have had my ovary removed. I will have less Estrogen and will be less prone to hand you a Kleenex. God speed.

Grievance 3: Sandbaggers - You do not get to claim to be "ultra competitive" if you choose to remain at the entry level your entire racing career.

I am an entry-level racer. I am acquiring my skill and hope one day that the race fairy drops off some power and strength. I do not claim to be ultra competitive and we all know that I am not. Racing is mostly social to me.

That being said, and maybe I am more competitive than I think, if I find myself improving and continually beating (*snicker*) the women whom I race against, I will race against faster people. It does nothing for me to beat people whom I know I will beat otherwise I would simply go out and race my daughter or my mom every damn day...

When I was in high school I tried out for the cheerleading squad. I had never cheered before. I was not a particularly cheerful person. I was however a good dancer and had a cheesy assed smile and a loud mouth.

I made sure that my tryout immediately followed the most uncoordinated girl out there. She was a bit unfortunate looking and ridiculously shy. She made me "look" good. However, the next day when it was announced that I had not only made the squad but had made varsity, I felt pretty shitty.

After that, I never wanted to beat someone simply because I could. I wanted to beat the people I thought I couldn't. It meant more. But that's me. And I will feel sorry for you every time you sandbag. And because I'm a dick, it will feel really good to beat you...but I will not bullshit you about it and you should take it as a compliment.

Grievance 4: Pseudo-victims - OK, let me clear this up for you...

If something happens to someone else, it did not happen to you. You do not get to discuss it as if it did. You do not get to seek attention for knowing the actual victim. You do not get to use the event as conversation filler so that you can appear more interesting to people in your life who likely do not matter or probably shouldn't. People who matter will like/love you even without the associated drama (unless they themselves are co-dependent, at which point you should either run or get married to each other, or seek group therapy).

Put it into perspective. Are you really helping the actual person who is experiencing the situation?

Ask yourself the purpose of your sharing of someone else's details.

Will it somehow help the person? Will it somehow help the person you are about to tell? Will it help anyone? Does it make you feel important to have possession of such details and the only way to crest that importance is to make someone else aware of how important you are?

For example, I do not want to hear if someone is being verbally/emotionally/physically abused or if someone you know is having an affair.

If you tell me the first thing I am going to ask is what you are doing about it. If your response is, "Nothing" or "There's nothing I can do", I will think you an idiot and tell you that I don't want to hear about it. I will then be angry that I know about it and there is likely nothing that I can do about it. Now you have betrayed the person who likely wanted it kept a secret and is too psychologically fucked to do anything about it and you have burdened someone else with the knowledge.

It is NOT happening to you. It is not a topic for conversation.

Advice: Tell a member of your clergy or a therapist. Telling your friends is simply gossip and makes you an asshole. (People will think you are too fragile to tell you this, but that does not make it any less true.)

Everyone (yes everyone) has the power to change the crap in their lives. The reality is that most people don't actually want change. For some people, their issues are the only identity that they have. Resolving their issues would leave a gaping whole in which they might have to do something interesting to fill that void. That is scary.

Remove other people's issues and gossip from your mind for a moment and ask yourself what you have left. If the answer is a remote control, the internet, and a fat ass, your life has gone tragically wrong...

...or right.

If all I had to worry about was a fat ass, I'd be pretty stoked.

Happy Festivus, everyone!