Testing the Theory

After this weekend's suckfest at the Tour of KC, I was anxious to jump back in the saddle and kick the shit out of my mind fuck.

My biggest fear...?

The Tuesday Night Worlds C race.

I'll be frank, it's not the Cat 4 women in the C race who wig me, it's some of those crazy assed Cat 5 men.

Christ on a cracker, some of them ride like they are friggin' tweaking and I always (yes always) back off in the turn because I am terrified one of those squirrely fuckers is going to take the turn wide and/or stupid and take out the rest of the field.

While these races are meant to be practice races, they have served to do nothing but make me afraid of turns when at the beginning of the season, I wasn't.

Truthfully, I have Jay to thank for teaching me how to take turns.

Somehow, these C races have blocked all that I know...

OK, I still know it and have confidence that I can execute it, but I'm not afraid of me.

I have become spoiled by the women with whom I race regularly.

I know whose wheel to avoid and who can handle.

When those women aren't in my race, I have to trust unknowns...and that isn't good.

I am working on this and much like with what I did for psychocross season, I am traveling out of town to race more and more to push myself out of my comfort zone.

I'll get there.

That being said, women still race differently than men.

Some of these beginner men get a bike between their legs and they think they are friggin invincible.

Scary.

So last night, I signed up for the B race as well as the C race to test my theory.

Am I afraid of turns, or am I afraid of crappy handlers...?

When Chris looked at my registration and saw "B" circled, I swear to you that his eyes actually twinkled.

I called him on it and we laughed.

(Awwwwww, look at our little girl Cory growing up so fast!)

I didn't tell Jay I was doing the B race, though I knew he'd be in there.

I wanted to figure it out with a clear head.

As Jay finished the A race and rolled up for the B, I was behind him, but he didn't know it.

The whistle blew and it was very composed.

There was no thickness of panic that can be felt in the C race.

No tension.

Just going.

I hear Adrienne yell at me to grab a wheel and I surge forward and do it.

She knows what's going on with me.

Hey! Look at me not getting dropped!

This is wicked awesome!

I am relaxed when I hit the turn and start to feel my mojo returning.

I'm pretty sure I'm smiling...at least on the inside.

Hinni starts chatting with me on the climb and for a moment I don't hear him.

Then I realize that not only is he talking to me, but I can respond.

I don't feel like I am dying.

Where is my panic?

Now I know I am smiling.

Hey! Look at me 3 laps in and still with the field!

Wooo Hoooo!

I finally fall off in the last turn, but I knew I would.

I roll off for a lap and jump back in the way Jay has taught me.

WOW!

I really love this!

But now I am a little kid and so stupid excited that I figured out my deal that I roll out so that I have something left for the C race.

I see my girls Steph, Alice and Kate and am really excited.

"Did you see?!?!? I was in THERE!!!! The B race! Me!!!!"

They did. They saw. They saw me not die. They see me breathing like a normal person right in front of them as we roll around to warm up for the C race.

I am stupid drunk with excitement.

It's a little like the first time I tried on a really badass pair of shoes and not only did they fit but were on a wicked sale and I also had the money that day to buy them and not just dream. Yeah. It was like that.

OK, it was actually a little better than that.

As we line up for the C race, the question is asked, "How many of you have never raced before?"

I see 5 hands go up.

Fuuuuuuuuckkkkkkk.

One is Ashley, with whom I have ridden in the past and she is crazy strong, so I'm not worried about her.

The 4 other hands are men.

Why is this an issue?

Because generally women do not like to bleed.

We were not usually the ones tying sheets around our necks like capes and jumping off shit imagining that we can fly (...then realize that they can't fly...or land gracefully and whine for 3 weeks over their boo-boos while seeking sympathy and task management from the women in their lives. Derrrrr.)

*giggle*

We climbed shit, we jumped off shit, but typically we were pretty logical about it.

Women tend to make calculated risk decisions.

Plus, we generally care that our noses stay centered between our eyes and our teeth stay rooted and in one piece.

Men will show you a scar like they are showing you a vintage GTO.

Sure, scars are cool for a second, but there are moments in the scar-telling story in which no matter how a women nods her head and appears impressed with your maleness, she is still thinking, "Effing assclown!"

Hey, you need only share a toilet with a man a short while to be frightened about how he may handle his bike.

If there's piss all over his toilet, he will surely wreck you in TNWs.

Just sayin'.

My son, I ride in front of...and he now has his own toilet.

Jay, I ride behind.

Soooooo, the C race starts with a neutral lap.

As we start the descent to "The Turn", this one guy next to me has clearly crapped his chamois and seems to be having a stroke on his bike. (I can say that because he wasn't having a stroke but was instead one who chose to get a bike instead of a red convertible when he hit his "crisis age".)

Don't get me wrong, I am still proud of him for getting out there. Better in there than not in there, but I still want my skin on my person and my carbon pony in one piece.

Alice sees him too and speeds up.

I start to go with her but he moves in front of me.

Fantastic.

My usual tension was there at the turn as I observed the shaky looseness of this field.

I smirk at myself. I am such a wuss.

I realize I still need to get past this, as anything can happen in any race, no matter which level you race.

I go around again, but am so in love with my memory of the B race and not wanting my night to be spoiled that when Jeremy comes around and tells me to jump on his wheel, I let him go.

I know I'm not staying.

I'm not dying.

I'm not hurting.

I'm simply done.

On my terms.

I roll over to Jay and the kiddos and by this time he has realized that I was in the B race.

He can also see how calm and happy I am.

Everything is different for me at that moment.

I am taking this with me for a while.