How do you say the things that people don't want to hear?How do you tell them things that they need to know, but from which they will still run?
How do you look into the eyes of people who love you but do not understand and give them hope that has not been given to you?
Are you lying or simply protecting them?
Is it your choice to protect or theirs to be protected?
Are you being fair or cruel?
The things I have left unsaid, I have left unsaid for me as much as you.
I do not want to speak the words and hear them said aloud again...
I do not want to swallow those words and make them my being.
I am not cancer.
I am not 20%.
I am not death.
I am not beyond hope.
I am not dying of cancer, I am living with it and I am still alive.
I am a human.
I have feelings.
Just because I am "not dead yet", it does not mean I am an effing machine.
It doesn't mean that although I will find the "funny" and almost always smile at you, that I am not scared shitless and a little bit of a wreck right this moment.
If I didn't have to tell you...
If you could simply read my mind...
The pain, sadness and fear dancing and teasing alongside the strength, drive, and optimism which collides with the logic, statistics, and percentages would drop you to your knees...
It does to me every day.
I am not rare.
I am not unique.
I'm just a girl.
And I am right in front of you.
...and you and everyone else is losing me.
We (as a society) have forgotten how to see the human factor involved with humans.
We have become emotionally displaced and when something happens, we flounder about like fish dumped ashore...
...gasping and hoping to get back to the safe and comfortable waters but without the knowledge of how to do it ourselves...
We can text and email our love to friends and family, but help us all on the day we have to listen to pain or emotion in someone's voice.
We can't handle tears.
We can't handle truths.
If I could simply hit a key and delete the things that displease me, I would.
If I could look into my children's eyes and only feel the immeasurable love and none of the fear of leaving them behind...
If I could for one day not worry about who will hold them and love them...
If I could stop time and simply hold them and laugh and never have them see me sick...
If I could look into your eyes and not see all of our dreams and our life being lived without me...
I would. Believe it.
If I could system restore my body to the day before the issues started...
...before I was scarred and disfigured....
...before the stress of a nine year battle etched it's trails along my eyes and brow...
...before my bones became fragile...
...before my hair started to fall out...
...I would.
I can't.
...But I will not be simply deleted from this life.
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