The Fastness of it All

I slept Saturday night.

It may have had something to do with driving to Farmington, eating things I shouldn't have and getting sick, driving home from Farmington, and hitting 3 holiday parties all around The Lou that did the trick.

It may have had something to do with my "pain management assistance".

I slept until 11am.

It was glorious.

Regardless, the pain was there when I awoke and was amazingly acute throughout the day.

The icy air didn't help. Not. One. Little. Bit.

Tonight, I will not sleep.

I am freaked out by how fast it is all happening.

I can see it in his eyes too.

...and Ty's.

Thursday I woke up and had to crawl around the house because of some "vertigo-like" symptoms.

Jay had to drive me to Edgewood to drop off the toys.

He had top drive me to work the next day so that I would not miss that stupid meeting.

He constantly searches for ways to eliminate my pain.

Constantly he deals with my tears, my vomit, my freaking out over the changes happening to my body, my scars, my constant falling and fainting, and now the losing of my hair.

Yep. That's my newest freak-fest.

My hair.

Going.

Going.

Going...

Gotta love that.

We find it all over the place.

I see it in the mirror.

In pictures.

In his eyes.

I'm ready and I'm not.

I don't want anyone to have to deal with this.

He will mistakenly think that I want him to leave.

I want to protect him.

I want to protect my children.

My friends.

Myself.

I am anguished over this.

Where did my strength go?

Why does it hurt so horribly?

When will it stop?

Why can't I take a vacation day from it?

Just one day off...

One day so that I can feel "normal".

One day so that I can get things done.

Play with my children without having to stop for air.

Ride my bike.

Laugh.

Sleep.

Live.

Why must I stop living so that I may "live"?

Why is it never enough?

When will it get better?

When will I be free?