Weekend Re-cap

1. Every "single" person who is looking to "date" or for a "serious relationship" and who cannot fathom the idea of possibly not being in a "relationship" should watch "How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days" for starters. (Other stuff like common sense may be a little over some heads, so pretty actors and actresses may help.) This applies to males and females.

Hint 1: Stalking and/or calling the person repeatedly will almost never endear you to the person whose affection you seek. If it does, RUN!

Hint 2: Although it wasn't in the movie, if the person you are "dating" has a spouse, things are also not looking very optimistic for you regarding the likelihood of a "serious relationship". If you have not learned that after say 3 years (as a completely random example) of fucking the married person, you are dumber than soup and deserve to be pointed and laughed at.

2. Men who come to the Costume/Anniversary party of your gay friends, dressed as a woman and act gayer than the gay hosts, are likely gay. No matter how many times they insist that they "like the vajayjay". They do...to shop with; not to have sex with. When all of your gay friends also doubt that said man "likes the vajajay", believe them...then go shopping.

Hint: If talking to alleged "straight" man suddenly makes Rupaul, Boy George, Elton John, and George Michael seem butch, your man likes the penis. Deal with it. Go shopping?

3. Thongs on men with pimples on their asses is just wrong. Taking pictures of it and making a game of it was funny until the 3rd pimpled, hairy ass.

*shivers*

Hint1: If you do not know the state of your ass, spare the world the photographic evidence that you lack manscaping skills and a gym membership.

Hint 2: Pictures that make women throw up on their keyboards are not particularly adorable.

Hint 3: At our age, it really has become more important that you provide us pictorial evidence that you are capable of an erection and lacking of a wookie bush. Spare us the ass pimples and ingrown ass hairs. Shave that shit or cover it up. Mmmmmkay pumpkins?

Hint 4: If your stomach is larger than your chest, no thong. Period.

Hint 5: If your stomach is larger than your penis, cry...then hit on that one chick who is dating the married dude. She's not at all particular.

4. If you are a waitress at a lake-side cafe on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, learn your job and the menu. Getting snippy with 4 chicks who just rode in the heat with head-winds and like a gazillion grasshoppers and crickets jumping at them are possibly exhausted and little freaked out. (Have you EVER seen so many effing jumping grasshoppers outside of a Hitchcock film?!?!?) Seriously. Your cafe is on a bike trail and the water is 20 steps away.

Hint 1: Telling us that we may have to "wait a while for our refills" is the wrong answer. You have 5 tables. You are in the service industry. We have all done your job. SERVE. You are not salary or union.

Hint 2: Working in a bar and rolling your eyes while claiming to not know the drink list because you usually "work weekdays" is a quick way to get your average looking, snotty ass back on the less-profitable weekday lunch shift. Get happy. Be nice. Wear mascara and a friggin' smile.

Hint 3: Sneering is not the same as smiling. Practice it.

5. Feet. Hmmmm...

Hint 1: That black stuff in the corner of your big toe nail? Yeah. It's supposed to be removed. Get on it.

Hint 2: If you have black stuff in the corner of your big toe nail, either A) you need to clip those futher muckers or B) you have stepped in poo. Either way, take care of it.

Hint 3: Bare feet on the inside windshield is effing gross. We don't want to see that shit. If your feet are so spectacular, get a dazzling pair of Blahniks and prove it. Putting those clammy, sweaty things on the glass is not only disgusting and redneck (despite the Lexus), but it is really rude to the owner/driver of the car...unless it is "that one dude", but then you'd be driving, now wouldn't you?

*snickers*