The Evolution of the Garbage Dick

Being a huge fan of gender equality, you can just imagine how excited I get by double standards.

No. It's true. I love 'em. I gobble them up like a fat kid gobbles up cake.

Sex has always been one of the areas where this nonsense has come into play.

It's really quite precious.

Guys can diddle anything warm and wet and merely be labeled as a "player". A chick can screw two guys in the same month and she's labeled as a slut.

What the fuck is that?

Now, I may not be the best person to argue this case as we all know that I am sexually frigid and dead on on the inside...

*snickers*

...But come on!

I was having a three-way a few weeks back...

...ummmm...

*rewinds*

...I was having a three-way conversation a few weeks back with two other females.

At the time, two of us had no idea that the third was a bit cuckoo.

To be fair, it's really a sad fact that her cheese has just slid right off her damn cracker, but whatever.

Two of the three of us are realists when it comes to "sexual labeling".

We used the term "garbage dick" about some fellas that we know.

Two of them were dating former "garbage dicks" and I was the asshole who happened to use the term. It's funny. It was funny then and it is funny now.

My friend, "the realist" and I were puzzled by the odd look the third was giving us over the term.

We explained that a "garbage dick" is merely a male slut.

We saw the light click on in her pretty little insane head.

He wasn't now a garbage dick. At that very moment. But he had been before they went "exclusive" and he never lied to her about it. She was no virgin. No prude. So we had no idea that she allegedly took offense to the statement. We wouldn't have, because she laughed pretty hard at it and she herself lacks filters when speaking, so it was not like she was a descendant of Miss Emily Post for fuck's sake.

Later in the weekend when she was cooking up a nice batch of bunny boiler stew, she dropped the bomb on our friend that I called him a "garbage dick" while she was flipping out about one of his past sex partners. Someone before and not during her.

Now, in the conversation I had with him, he is laughing at the term, as we call each other names all the time. In the conversation he had with her, she is wigging out like an ADHD kid on crack.

What is the big effing deal?

By modern standards, a slut is "a person who has taken control of their sexuality and has sex with whomever they choose, regardless of religious or social pressures or conventions to conform to a straight-laced monogamous lifestyle committed to one partner for life. The term has been "taken back" to express the rejection of the concept that government, society, or religion may judge or control one's personal liberties, and the right to control one's own sexuality."

Hmmmm...

That pretty much defines an awful lot of people in the real world.

So, maybe "garbage dick" is funny. Maybe it's not. But it is no worse that "slut" and neither are the exception anymore. Women and men are just fine to throw the term "slut" out there regarding females. But males are sluts too.

Why can't we have a funny name to call them?

Why do women get all the grief?

"Player"? Come on now. They get a name that sounds like "fun" but is really not so much actual fun.

People are always quick to blame it on the sexual revolution when it really just boils down to what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Regardless of how I personally feel about the psyche of people who feel the need to sleep around with multiple partners and I'm a bit of a germaphobe, so I have to remain impartial. This just addresses that males and females are equal in their actions when it comes to this sleeping around business.

People are going to do what they want. The sluts I know are still sluts and the garbage dicks I know are still garbage dicks.

If you don't agree with their behavior, you don't sleep with them.

If you don't want to be labeled as a slut or garbage dick, you don't act like a slut or a garbage dick.

This is really not gene splicing, people.

However, if you act like one, you forfeit the right to then bitch about someone else doing it.

Let's say it together, "Don't be hypocrites, boys and girls."

*tosses bulk of condoms*

Now you kids go have some fun!