At YOUR Age...?!?!

Sooooo a few weeks back I was partaking in some retail therapy. I was under the weather, so a little debt could not, would not hurt me. Period. At that point I had been pissing my PJs and not sleeping. Rationale was out the door.

I had a "thing" to go to that night and I wanted to dress like a girl.

I wanted a dress.

And shoes that were not flip-flops for said event.

Now, truth be told, I have girly tops and heels that I wear...but I had worn them all and with having that damn cold and the cough...I needed some extra help.

I headed with The Teenager to Saks. Actually, we planned on just walking through Saks to the mall and to the BCBG store, but I got stopped by what would end up being my dress.

Fine.

She was on sale and made my tits and legs look spectacular.

Done.

Next, through the shoe department.

I had been eyeing a pair of Spiga Italy peek-a-boo heels and had to see if they were still available.

I am greeted by Hedy.

Hedy reminds me of "Juno" (Sylvia Sidney) in "Beetlejuice". Voice and all...only shorter, with more makeup and alive...allegedly.

Hedy embodies every bridge playing bitty that my grandma chummed around with. She even had a faint "Lawng Eyelund" accent. Priceless.

Hedy is a snob. The St. Louis kind. How do I know? We run into her all the time. And every time she waits on us she asks The Teenager what high school he goes to. Like she is summing up whether or not Mommy can shop for shoes here.

I want to shake her until her make-up slides off her face.

Even The Teenager is hip to her tricks.

She grabs his face and declares him, "So handsome!"

She asks if he is my only and I mention The Sassy One. She asks her age and I tell her.

(Why the hell must she know this to dress up my feet?)

I spy my Kates and ask to try them on.

She retrieves them and crams my piggies into them...taking notice of my tattoo.

"What are you wearing them with?" Hedy asks.

I nod my head at my hanging dress and indicate that that is my first plan for the stunning heels.

She instantly grabs my garment bag and yanks out the dress.

"Oh yes. These will work", she decides.

I smile and think, "No shit, Sherlock...they are BLACK heels. DERRRR!"

She ponders for a moment...

"This dress is a knock-off of the vintage Pucci line. I used to sell Pucci. I've sold this dress."

I blink charmingly and smile “that one smile” as The Teenager's eyes grow larger.

"Let me show you these" she says and pulls me to a quite lovely pair of Chanels.

She flips them over to expose the price tag.

$650.00

I confirm her evil thoughts by replying, "I love them! Now all we have to do is find me a sweet boyfriend to buy them for me, Hedy."

I giggle like the polished bitch I can be when I really want to shove one across a glass table of Jimmy Choos.

Hedy doesn't miss a beat. She says, "At your age with two kids? A boyfriend is going to be difficult to find, Dear."

Simultaneously, The Teenager's and my lips disappear.

"Oh Hedy, you're a card!" I chuckle. "I'll take the Kates."

Hedy smiles just enough to keep her makeup from cracking.

"OK, Dear. Will that be on your Saks card?"

I think, "Don't fuck with me bitch!"