The Mostly Offensive Blog

*DISCLAIMER*

If you have a BMI over 25, you will not like this blog...nor me if you read it. That being said, just because you don't like it, it doesn't make it untrue or wrong...and I'm not here to make friends.

In 2005 I started an organization called Keep It Simple. Originally it was a retail based company which had an affiliated business agreement to market health and wellness products through a distributorship owned by my family.

My end of the business originally specifically targeted athletes. Somewhere along the way, I realized that athletes didn't need help.

The people who were struggling were the non-athletic overweight population of middle America.

Frankly, these people pissed me off.

I continually received inquiries about which product would help these people lose weight.

Could I help them "quick start" a weight loss program.

Truth?

Yes. I could.

I could sell products and they would buy them and as long as they lost a pound or two, they would keep coming back.

It wasn't enough for me.

I didn't want to sell them a product.

I wanted to open their eyes.

I also knew it would be a tough sell.

Who the hell would listen to me about the struggles of being overweight?

At the time, I was 122 pounds and trying to gain weight.

Marketing.

"...A picture is worth a thousand words..."

I posted a picture of me as a "not so tiny" person.

I wasn't some Barbie who had never struggled.

I knew where they were and knew all the excuses.

I was a size 6 who went to a size 16 within 6 months.

It took a pretty short time at size 16 to realize something needed to change.

(Honestly, I am surprised it took me 6 months to realize I had grown so fast.)

I took a long and difficult look at my lifestyle and the choices I was making and smacked the crap out of myself.

There wasn't the same product hell available to me at the time that there is now for people who are looking for a quick fix, so I needed to actually change my eating habits.

A diet wouldn't work.

So I did it. I was a size 10 in six months and a size 6 a year later.

A size 4 six months after that.

I ate a lot. Multiple times a day.

...but I didn't eat crap.

I wasn't a vegetarian or vegan.

I didn't grab a tambourine and a candle and start growing my own produce.

I simply stopped buying into marketing.

Here's a tip, "Value Menu" or "Drive-thru" equals fat ass, stinky gas and bad skin.

If it needs butter, cheese, or ketchup to make it taste better, don't eat it.

Pork rinds are not on any food pyramid...even the really outdated ones.

...as a matter of fact, I challenge you to find any doctor or nutritionist who will tell you that frying food is good for you.

When I moved to the Midwest, I realized that they take fried food to a whole other level.

Deep-fried turkey? Really?

Deep fried Twinkies?

Is that a joke?

Hey, I'm not slamming the Midwest, lord knows the South has WAY more fried food...

But, come on. Healthy eating is still somewhat nouveau and chic out here.

I was told that I was too "in your face" with the whole weight loss thing and that no one wants to be told they are overweight.

No. I agree. They don't.

Not saying it doesn't make it not true.

Obesity is not the Boogie Man.

It's there in your face.

It's there sitting on your lap when you are naked on the toilet.

Believe.

...or at least open your eyes.

It's there. Fucking with you.

More importantly, it's there fucking with your health.

It's there fueling an industry just waiting to pry on your self loathing and poor self image.

I severed ties with the retail side of my family's company and became strictly an advocate for women's wellness.

I started educating women on the cancerous risks of being overweight.

I offered a buddy system to go out with them to kick-start their physical program and keep them motivated.

Ty started a group that sought to educate kids on making healthier choices and provided other options for those not interested in team sports.

We had volunteers speak to kids about cycling, running, hiking, and climbing...

Regardless, people, the adult people always wanted the quick fix.

OK.

You want it?

Here it is.

Lean in.

A little closer...

....closer...

*flicks reader on head through laptop screen*

THERE.


IS.


NO.


QUICK.


FIX!!!!!

...but...

It is really simple.

Seriously.

You MUST watch what you eat and make wise choices.

You should take a moment to research what it is you are putting into your body.

Generally, if you can't pronounce it, you either:

• (A) shouldn't ingest it, or
• (B) should Google the motherfucker to make sure it isn't going to kill you/make you fat.

Secondly, although you don't need to jump on the treadmill right this second, at some point, you should actually do something physical.

If that means parking the car 10 spots farther away from the door or simply shagging your spouse, do something that does not involve a remote.

I watched over the past few years as boat loads of people jumped on the Atkins bandwagon the way they suddenly supported the Rams when they had a shot at the Super Bowl in 2000.

Hey, if it seems too good to be true, even if it works for a short while, it probably is too good to be true.

Then again, what do I know?

I'm just a former fat chic who managed to stay a size 4 for over 10 years without giving up carbs, wine, or having to eat copious amounts of decomposing flesh.

*ducks bottles of AB products, handfuls of provel "cheese", and toasted raviolis thrown at her by angry fatties in denial*

C'mon now. I'm not saying that every ass needs to be in a bike saddle, but for Pete's sake, make a friggin' change that wasn't commercially marketed to you and is of your own free will and stop making excuses.

Chances are, it isn't those pants or your hormones making you look fat...it's your actual fat making you look fat. It is for me.

...and believe me, I have NO excuse.

I Can't Tell You to be Less Stinky

Society is a bit screwed up.

No. Really. It is.

On any given day, people feel that they can tell me that I am too skinny. (I'm not.)

Or that I need to gain weight. (I'm succeeding at this. Trust.)

I remember my friend Melissa having the same issue in high school and it was pretty hurtful to her.

People feel that they can say whatever they want because *people* assume that everyone WANTS to be thin.

In actuality, it's often the people who claim to want to be thin (but who are going in the wrong direction) who are doing the badgering.

I had to think about this for the second time in my life as I have been trying to put some weight on to get "stronger".

I can't randomly tell an obese person that they are too fat and that they need to lose weight. If I do, I am "insensitive", "rude", "mean", "hateful", or (this is the best) "shallow".

Really?

Yes. Really.

Even though chances are that if I were to have a conversation with an obese person, I would have their interest more at heart than they have mine with regard to losing weight and certainly more than they have their own best interests at heart. (Notice how many times the word "heart" is mentioned...? Heart disease, anyone?)

Chances are I could (and would) also educate them on the cancerous risks of being overweight. (Like how an obese woman is six (6) times more likely to die of cancer than one with a healthy BMI.)

Yeah. It's true. Look it up.

Is that mean?

No.

But I still don't just spew that nonsense to someone who does not inquire.

What about the eating patterns they are setting for their children?

If they teach those habits to their children who then develop Type II Diabetes, even though the education was out there to prevent it, is that ignorance punishable?

No. It isn't.

Even though the strain on the health care system affects all of us, we are assholes if we ask people to respect themselves and love their children enough not to raise all of our premiums.

That doesn't even address the psychological effects on the children who are being raised overweight or in an overweight environment.

We are the fattest society in the world. (In. The. World.)

And although in some societies, long, long ago, a fat man was the symbol of success, education has changed that way of thinking. Now the world sees us fat, but not particularly brilliant. (Gee, I wonder why...?)

I'm sorry, I thought given the topic I should leave off the sugar coating...

OK, let's switch gears so that I don't make anyone cry...

Let's talk about stinkiness.

I can't just randomly tell a stinky person to stop being stinky.

Why not?

Certainly someones stink is far more offensive than my alleged "too thin" frame.

(WARNING: This next part will not be pretty and it will piss off even people whom I know and love, including my mom, though that isn't the intent.)

Hey, my mom is completely self aware and knows she's stinky. She bought a farm and moved out there so she could be happy with her horses, dogs, chickens, goats, and cigarettes...and away from people who will tell her she needs to stop smoking.

(She still has me harping on her though, so that keeps things fun and lively.)

Here's the thing, I could not walk right up to a smoker and tell them that they need to stink less.

Honestly, I would rather stand next to 10 homeless men who have urinated on themselves than stand next to one smoker who smokes in a closed vehicle and then enters a store.

Yummmm! I don't know about you, but I truly love the taste of veggies and nicotine! It's the ultimate!

And I also get super excited when I see store workers smoking right in front of the entrance/exit of a store. It makes me want to rush right in and buy all kinds of fun edible stuff.

I won't even start on the "health care" workers who feel the need to smoke right outside the hospital doors..

*bites down hard on tongue*

Just TRY to ask a smoker to please not smoke right there or to blow their smoke in a different direction. They are usually super receptive to such requests. You very rarely will get met with a, "Fuck you!" or "It's a free country, bitch."

No. Really. Try it. It's good family fun.

I used to work with a large group of smokers who would come back inside and stink to high heaven.

The fact that they are the biggest time-wasters in the company is made even better when they put their disgusting jackets next to yours in the coat closet.

(Yay! I love having to spend extra money on dry cleaning just so ignorant people can kill themselves and pollute the air around us while reducing office productivity!)

Free country?

The dry cleaning to get your stink off my coat isn't free.

The salary you are wasting by smoking and not working is not free.

Smokers are the WORST. (Not as general human beings, but with regard to respecting others and time suckage, yes.)

They are also slightly amusing...

They are the only people I have witnessed be so willing to give the US government extra taxes....and the government knows it.

They could tax the fuck out of cigarettes and those nut cases would keep on paying.

(Hi. When I was a kid and my mother-the-smoker used to send me to buy her cigarettes, they cost a dollar. One Dollar USD)

How much is a pack of cigarettes now? (A LOTTA DOLLARS!)

How much of that total price is government assessed tax? (A LOTTA DOLLARS!)

What are the ingredients of cigarettes which you claim that I have no right to bitch about when they are burned in my face?

*taps head and thinks of fun and healthy ingredients to pass on to one's children and random strangers*

Hey kids, would you like to invite nicotine, tar, and carbon monoxide over to play? Oh hey, let's not leave out your friends formaldehyde, ammonia, hydrogen cyanide, arsenic, and DDT, mmmmmkay?

(Yay! Sounds like a party!)

Sugar coat it all you want, only ignorant people smoke. The education is there and they ignore it. They DO know better.

I won't even start on the moms and dads who "love" their children enough to buy a minivan and then close the windows and light up while toting their kids to school (so they can be stinky and picked on too).

*checks off psychological damage on list of selfishness and parental dysfunction*

It's always a sad irony when I also see a "She's a child not a choice" bumper sticker on the back of THAT rolling coffin...errrrrr...minivan.

*rolls eyes*

Hey, I'm not up on some high horse (OK, maybe I am), but we are walking around in an alleged "politically correct" society when really we are pussy-footing around peoples "feelings" instead of getting anything actually accomplished.

These same demographics have sued the tobacco industry because they got sick and McDonald's because they got fat. (Seriously?!?!)

People get their feelings "hurt" because they are in denial about the truth, so that becomes every one else's problem?

*Yawn*

Nope. Sorry. I would like to cover my ears and sing "la la la la la la" when I get told the truth, but then again, I only have cancer, not a real problem like a smoking addiction or obesity.

(OUCH! That had to sting a little, yes?)

*snicker*