Ovary Toss: Part One

I walked out of the pre-op restroom with my specimen and there he stood in his scrubs.

"Good morning, Cory," he said with a familiar smile as I approached on the way to my station.

"Well hey!" I returned back to him.

"You ready to do this?"

"Better question is, are YOU ready to do this? Did you get enough sleep? No caffeine? Feeling pretty relaxed...?" I laughed as I played with him.

He laughed.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he reassured me as we walked the rest of the way and he went over exactly the path he was going to take to remove little pieces of me and make me "better".

He was used to me.

We have an 8 year history together and he is the reason I didn't die when when pregnant with The Sass and he is the reason there is actually a Sass to speak of...

(I mean, sure her dad helped a bit "that one night" when the Rams lost the Super Bowl and we were celebrating, but after that it was all Dr. J.)

If I trusted him not to kill The Sass or me all those years ago, this was pretty much a cake walk.

He had cut into me one other time and it was a breeze.

He is the sort of doctor you immediately trust and I always have.

He then talked to Jay and Ty and I think that made them feel better.

He talked to me/us about the "pain button" and how I could push it until I was blue in the face for all the "happy" I wanted without killing myself.

I got settled in with my nurse Brenda as we discussed kids' names and how my given first name is her middle name.

Things were immediately easy with Brenda because she had a sense of humor and was playful.

I felt like Dr. J ordered her specifically for me. (Yes, I know he didn't.)

They came in and explained anesthesia to me (as if I could somehow forget?)...

They let me say good-bye to Jay and Ty and I was oddly emotional.

They both knew I was actually wigged this time (but I think no one should ever have to get comfortable with surgeries)...

I looked at my two boys and was glad that they were sort of like brothers in their playful mannerisms with each other and Jay has always promised me that he would look after Ty if something ever happened, so I was calm.

Plus, I knew that Lisa and Chris would be there in a snap to help with Ty if anything happened, so that was like added insurance.

I watched them walk down the hall and they did not see me get wheeled into the operating room.

I turned the corner as they walked out the door...

It was 11am.

A mask was placed over my face and I am asked what I would like to dream about...

I smile and let my eyebrow dance mischievously as I state that I am going to dream of racing against my new racing nemesis for 2010...

Dr. J laughed at me and rolled his eyes in his standard "Oh-Cory-what-am-I-going-to-do-with-you?" eye roll and it was game on.

I awoke with knives and razors in my groin.

I listened to a lady across the way howl (yes, howl) in pain.

(For the record, this does NOTHING to relax anyone else recovering from surgery.)

Why was SHE screaming? I am the one with the knives and razors.

Hello!?!?!

I was in acute pain. This surprised me.

Why was I not numb and stoned?

I expected to be baked.

WTF?

I wanted to get up and punch that werewolf lady but knew walking would be tricky and I would not be stealthy enough to get away with it without witness...though I am not sure there wouldn't be a brief moment of applause.

(You know the kind that starts with that lone person and suddenly it's a stadium?)

Yeah...like that.

What I knew was that I needed to start talking to a nurse right away to get my mind functioning so I could get right the hell out of that mess.

So I did.

Me: "What time is it?"

Her: "11:48am"

Me: "How long have I been in here?"

Her: "Not very long. Maybe 20 minutes."

Me: "What is your name?"

Her: "Karen"

Me: "How are you doing today?"

Karen is taken aback. "I am OK. How are you?"

"I'm sore, Karen. Very sore...and sleepy."

I smile a goofy, drug-induced, "we-both-know-I-am-peeing-in-a-bag-right-now-so-let's-not-play-games" smile that I am sure she found both delightful and charming.

Me: "Tell me about you."

Karen: "Tell you about me?"

Me: "Yes. Talk to me about you as you do what you need to do to me. I need to stay alert."

(It dawns on me that I have this surgery thing down to an almost-art and that frightens me.)

She tells me a bit and to help her out I start asking her questions about the surgery. She relaxes a bit.

I tell her that my goal is to get to my room and away from the howling lady so that I can get some rest.

She chuckles and takes my vitals and tells me that as soon I am ready, I can go.

(I'm pretty sure I lost some time there as I was actually stoned but just in a LOT of pain...so I don't know how long that really took...)

I'm ready.

I see Jay and Ty and I am HAPPY!

My bottom lip pops out like a toddler, but I am ultimately happy that all is good and that I am looking at my boys.

We get to my room and I have the bed by the door.

We listen to my new roomy groan and moan as we get settled in.

I cannot believe my pain.

Also, there is no "pain button".

Because Dr. J knew my goal was to not spend multiple days in the hospital, he didn't want me baked. This way I could work on my motor skills and dazzle him with my ability to get the hell out of there.

(Nice plan, Dr. J.!)

I gotta love the man. He listens to me.

He *may* have forgotten to tell me that ripping out certain organs in that "special area" would hurt like a futha mucka!

I listen to my poor roomy and think that her surgery must have been a lot worse because she is a hot mess.

Then, she fell asleep.

Snoring.

Loud, crazy snoring.

I look at Jay.

"Seriously?"

He gives me his typical crooked grin and without words we are making fun of the poor faceless, bodiless woman because we are small humans who are easily amused in unamusing situations.

(Hey, at least we recognize this about ourselves. It's the first step.)

She is snoring away as the door to the room enters and in walks a short, pudgy gal who walks past us with a stick up her large arse and over to the sleeping woman's side.

She jumps on the bed and wakes her up.

(Yes. Reread that. She jumped on her bed like a 4 year old and woke the poor woman up.)

This is however where my sympathy for that woman ends.

They proceeded to talk very loudly about their fast food meals (the fast food intake was really no shock to the 3 of us witnessing the scene) and suddenly I felt like I was in a dive bar in Small Town, USA and would not have been one bit shocked had either of them lit a cigarette and downed a shot of Wild Turkey.

Jay and Ty were next to my bed and we could not hear each other speak.

The nurse came in and Jay asked her if she would ask them to keep it down a bit.

The nurse said the redneck was leaving for surgery in 20 minutes, so we shouldn't worry about it.

We tried.

It got louder.

(Hmmmm...wasn't this the same woman who was groaning in pain a few moments ago...?)

I was in a lot of pain and less than an hour out of surgery.

All I wanted was my fair piece of the rest pie.

If this lady was this loud BEFORE surgery, what sort of nightmare would she be post-op?

*shivers at thought*

Jay politely poked his head around to their side and asked if they could keep it down because I just got out of surgery.

He is generally pretty charming but I guess the amount of teeth in his mouth (and the fact that said teeth are white) was a real turn off for the McFatties, because his request was not well received.

They literally started hootin' and hollerin' and then the pudgy little troll (we assume it was the adult daughter of my roomy) said, "OOOOPS! My bad, I forgot!"

I let out an "Oh. My. God! We asked you nicely! YOU are a visitor. I am a patient. YOU can leave."

I felt like a bitch, but holy hell...I was ripped open and raw and hurting and tired and supposed to be resting.

The next time the nurse came in, Jay just flat out told her the deal...and how they had actually refused to keep it down.

She took one look at my exhausted face and left the room.

She came back in less than 5 minutes with another nurse.

Just like that I was moved.

I apologized to the nurses. I told them I felt like the bad kid who had to be separated from the other kids.

She said, "You shouldn't have to deal with that. I am not supposed to say this about patients, but she has been like that all day and we kind of think she is faking it."

Jay and I were amused by this.

We started talking in our "chronic smokers" voices and humoring the nurses.

I was given a pain med and allowed to settle in...

...at least for a little bit.

I laid back in my bed and wrapped my mind around the fact that I was not going to bounce back in the same way that I did following the surgery in August.

I let the drugs take my mind away on a little trip and giggled with the boys for a while while I relaxed.

It was going to be a long road...

...but hey, I've got a bike for that, right....?