How To Know If Group Rides Are Not For You (...or the Innocent People You Will Likely Harm/Kill/Piss Off)

I usually like to write a sugary sweet and funny blog between rant blogs, but I promised that I would write this one...with good reason.

A friend (a seasoned cyclist and badass racer, whom we will call "Zooey" because she is super fantastic like Zooey Deschanel) and I went on what used to be a standard group ride last Tuesday night.

We used to love this ride.

A pretty fantastic group of people also used to frequent this ride.

I'm not sure if those people stopped riding the ride because they too got pissed off by what Zooey and I found when we decided to ride the ride or if the new group simply ate or got the old group killed in traffic... Either way, this new group should:

• Never ride in a group...
• Never ride in traffic...
• Never ride a ride attached to a bike shop...
• Never wear gear associated with said bike shop because that will certainly piss off the bike shop when these jackasses get people killed and the shop name is associated... (Getting people killed or injured is generally considered negative marketing. OOOPS!)

OK, now the fact is that everyone thinks they are ready for a group ride, when the fact is that some people miss the chip that makes them group ride people.

I for one am shorthanded on patience, so I know that I must limit the group rides I attend to riding with a certain likelihood of rider which is best for me. I know to stay clear of certain rides because they are super fast and/or mini-races and others which are slow enough for a bike with a basket and puppy combo on the front. That's why this ride was a safety. A sure thing.

Familiar. Challenging. Always a fast and steady pace. People who know that those pretty little lines on the road are there for a reason.

That was not the case last Tuesday.

Here are a few tips:

1. If you are unfamiliar with what this...

...or this are...

...You are not ready for a group ride.

*Note: If you answered, "OOOOOH! Pretty Chritsmas lights!" I hope someone shoves a jolly old elf up your arse.

Additionally, if you choose to run the latter, you should not yell, "CLEAR!" and encourage other people to run the light. If people on the GROUP ride get stuck at the light which you ran, it's sort of proper etiquette to wait for them. Derrrr.

2. If you think that you will win a battle against one of these when you run the above...


...then you are not ready for a group ride.

3. If you think that the cyclist in this photo is on a group ride...

...then you are not ready for a group ride.

Additionally, you probably aren't as badass as this guy, so leave your mad TT'ng skills at home. No one is impressed. We all have a super cool Italian helmet too. No one is chasing you because you look stupid...and you have a "Cat 5 tat" on your calf. *yawn*

4. If you are incapable of being generally personable or mildly courteous to other cyclists on the ride...even when they get a flat...then you are not ready for a group ride.

Simply saying, "Hey, it looks like you have a flat" and riding off is sort of a dickhead move...especially in the dark. (Good thing her husband and 2 friends were there too or that could have sucked considering no one knew she had a husband and 2 friends there because they had been unfriendly to her when she first arrived...as a newcomer.)

Don't get me wrong, no one should need babysitting when they go on a group ride, but early on we found ourselves hanging back from the ride as we were wearing our team kits and did not want to be associated with the rolling liabilities.

The final straw was when the group ran a stop sign on Russell and nearly got hammered by a pickup truck. That poor man nearly had a heart attack and kept apologizing.

It wasn't his fault. He had been stopped. The group of asses didn't even slow down. Not even a rolling stop. Nothing. Then they took off up Broadway without a care of the other cyclists at the stop.

Guess what, assholes? We've been riding that ride a lot longer than you have. Do us and the bike shop a favor...leave from Steak and Shake...or leave from the corner of Big Bend at 6:55pm.

You can call it the Big Bend Big Loser Non-Group, Ticket-Drop-and-Die Ride.

PS: Time Trial girl, you can't just ride in the left lane because you want to or because you are not yet comfortable being that close to another bike. Cars have rights to the road too.