"Bret Michaels Is SO Relevant!" He Cried

Here's the set up:

I went on a group hike with 44 other people. Of the 44 other people, there were 2 that instantly put me off. I'd say that's pretty fair. There's just no way you're going to get a large group together and everyone is going to bond and jump into a chorus of "Cum-bay-ya". Give me a break.

One of the two who put me off was more on instinct and observance of his inappropriate hiking attire and not yet proven. I don't care enough to verify and as he was harmless and silent there leaves only the other complete tool to comment on. He was part of a group of us who lunched post-hike.

The visual on the tool:

Fat-former-football-player-type whose greatest days were back in college and still wears his team shirt as if mentally willing the observer to believe he is muscular and athletic and not simply fat.

Why this is bad:

It's not his weight. It's his fat head. And no matter what Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen have attempted to portray in their wildly successful films, fat assholes are still in fact assholes. These types of men are always the biggest douches. They think they are the shit because possibly, once upon a time, in a place that no one can confirm, they may have possibly gotten laid...or at least achieved an over-the-panties pet. He played the part perfectly.

I was once a cheerleader but I don't run around at 35 in my effing uniform...though I have been known to make up inappropriate cheers for entertainment purposes on slow days at the office.

His saving grace:

He announced that he was fat and ugly...though he blamed Pittsburgh for that. As my best friend is from Pittsburgh and is neither fat nor ugly and not an ignorant fucktard, I took offense on his behalf.

Why his confession is bad:

He did not admit that he was as dumb as soup and moronic and quite a bit "off". Not to mention that the self-deprecating nonsense of calling yourself fat and ugly to a table of mostly strangers is sad, tired, and over-used. Sadly none of the women spoke up and said, "No you're not!" (Poor little head case.)

OK. Now that you have the back story I'll go on.

The group of us were constantly engaged in interesting and sometimes inappropriate-for-the-table conversations. Things like vibrators, dictionaries of deviant sex, and Miley Cyrus.

...Actually...

The Tool brought up Miley Cyrus.

...and how grown up/hot she is.

*throws up in mouth at visual of fat older man masturbating to a picture of wide-mouthed, illiterate daughter of Mr. Achy Breaky*

I'm pretty sure, "EWWWWW!" escaped from my lips.

Someone started talking about something else and as soon as there was a pause in dialogue, The Tool asks if we have seen "Rock of Love".

We all look around at each other without a clue as to what he is referring.

He then starts with how it is a reality show with Bret Michaels (from Poison "fame"/notoriety).

*eye rolls from group majority*

Some are confused as to who Bret Michaels is and I mention that he is some "once was" who thinks he's still in a rock band.

This pisses off The Tool who says, "Well clearly he still IS in the band!"

(...as if having a reality show on VH1 lends to some rock star credibility...Yeah sure. Ask Jessica & Nick about that.)

"Right. So they never dissolved the band," I say.

"They sold like 30 million records!" he exclaims.

"So did Milli Vanilli..." someone else says.

We laugh.

"Britney Spears sold like 25 million her first time out," someone else says.

"Yeah, well....he's STILL relevant!" The Tool assures us.

I'm pretty sure I had that one look on my face. I'm not certain he has ever heard the word "fucktard" but I'm sure he read it on my raised eyebrowed, smirky little face.

Now, I know that musical taste is musical taste and everyone has their own. However, liking something and it being relevant are quite different.

When I think of relevant musicians, I assure you few people name Bret Douchebag Michaels as a pioneer or relevant....except perhaps a few select members of Poison, though they aren't exactly known for getting along.

The Beatles. James Brown. The Grateful Dead. Aretha Franklin. The Rolling Stones. The Who. Led Zeppelin. Blah, blah, blah...you get the point.

Ummmmm....Poison?

Seriously?

They were the N'Sync of the 80's!

I mean we all listened to their crap back in the day and no doubt some of their songs remind us of our days of scrunchie socks and mall bangs...but relevance?

Then it dawned on me...

HE is Bret. He is still living in his glory days and thinking that he is a far bigger deal than he is or ever was and clinging to an idea of greatness that never came.

One couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for him for a moment...

Then I remembered his perversions about a girl who turned 15 in November and how his fat ass made fun of my fruit crepe while he shoveled grease and lard into his fat-lipped mouth and in my mind I kicked him in the shin and gave him a swirly.