As as PSA of course I should mention that one should never get drunk. Derrrr! However...
Ummmmmm...
We've all done it. (Especially those of us with rich Irish heritages and/or come from a long and dysfunctional line of chic little alkies.)
We've all been drunk.
I tend to blog while intoxicated, and sometimes it is a bit noticeable but mostly it is not...and I usually disclose when I am, so there's that...
Most people have drunk dialed (DD)...
Sometimes it is welcomed. (Like when Speedo calls me during one of his outings and also gets complete strangers on the phone to talk to me.)
But that's only funny because he would likely do the same thing if completely sober...and ummm...kind of has.
*blows kisses to hot Erich, the sober dial and picture sharer from Tallahassee that Speedo arranged*
By the way, I will never complain when a friend dials me with a hot, cycling friend who wants to chat about adventures and fly me out to visit. I may never visit, but it's still a fun call.
Not to mention, Speedo's DDs are legendary...and are actually requested by most of us.
...And oddly he has an amazing sense of time. No matter how spirited he is, he does not call at a scary hour. Now that may be because most DDs happen on Fridays after work and the imbibing started too early to make it a late night, but still. I have never been awoken to a Speedo DD.
Then there are others whose DDs are less welcomed.
Here's a break down:
It's a good DD when someone who is too shy in "real life" DDs you to tell you that they like you, think you are beautiful, amazing, etc.
It is NOT a good DD when someone who you have blown off DDs you repeatedly to inform you alternately in the same conversation that you are amazing and a cold hearted bitch and that they love you and that they hope you die and that you should give them a romantic chance, why can't you just love/hold/fuck them and that they have many other options do you not know what you are missing. (Ummm, yes I know what I am missing. It's on purpose.)
It's a good DD when it is light and funny and made by someone with whom you are on regular speaking terms.
It is NOT a good DD when it is someone with whom you are not on regular speaking terms and they insist that you clarify the many reasons for aforementioned absence of communication. This is made worse if said dial is made after midnight on a work night. It is unacceptable if the DDer then goes demented and belligerent for your wanting to go back to sleep.
It's a good DD when someone is being responsible and calling you for a ride because they don't feel safe enough to drive. This DD makes me smile.
It is NOT a good DD if the call is from a person you haven't spoken to in a while and you know they are going through their phone's contact list, are possibly on the toilet, and decide to inquire about your personal relationship with Jesus Christ. (We're all very happy that you found him. Perhaps if you were sober more you wouldn't misplace him...Call him and let him know of your magical find...I think he's at his dad's house!)
It's a good DD when it's your fun and fantastic co-workers who want you to come out and drive them around St. Louis topless...regarding the car and the blouses. (Ahhhhh, memories!)
It is NOT a good DD when the person only calls you when they are drunk or when their life is in the shitter or a bizarre and incoherent combination of both.
It's a good DD when you are calling to tell the person that you have a present for them.
It is NOT a good DD when aforementioned present is your penis and you are parked on their lawn.
It is NOT a good DD if you are in an argument with your mate and are calling people your mate would rather you didn't because they are insecure and you have been whipped enough to oblige while sober and not in an argument with your mate. Revenge-on-your-mate DD is just wrong and makes you look like a total ass when people originally may have been on your side.
It is NOT a good DD when you call someone who has kids, on a work/school night after midnight and insist upon catching up on things that the person you have dialed didn't feel your were close enough to know during normal dialing hours.
It is NOT a good DD when you call ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-spouses or ex-bosses because you feel that you need "closure". You were dumped, divorced, fired, etc. That's closure like a futha mucker. Move on!
It is NOT a good DD when you are parked outside your victim's home and are calling to inform them that you know they are not home.
It is NOT a good DD when you call to make someone aware of the pain you feel because they did not call you.
It is NOT a good DD when you yell at the person as soon as they answer the phone at 2:46am because you wanted to leave them a voicemail...and then yell at them again when you call back after they hung up on you. Your victim is sleeping and simply wants the phone to stop ringing. They have every right to answer it. You have less right to call it. Fuck off, freakshow.
So there you have it. A few fine examples of the ever exciting drunk dial.
If you feel that you are in a chatty mood and must dial while intoxicated, may I suggest testing the water with a little harmless texting?
If the person does not respond, they are probably asleep or having sex with their mate and thus not a fantastic candidate for your DD.
If the person does not respond to the text message, it is NOT OK to call them to check if they received the text. DERRRRR!
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