*DISCLAIMER: If you are a stalker-type individual, Assclown, Ass-monkey, Dicknozzle or some other variation of a socially dysfunctional Ass-hat, reading this blog will cause your retinas to burn straight through the back of your head. Consider yourself warned.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

How She Knew...

She felt happy as she slipped into her favorite black dress and headed out the door.

After dropping off her littlest, she headed to the office with the sunroof open and sang all the way at the top of her lungs.

Even as she arrived at her exit on the highway and found it uncommonly congested for this time of morning, she simply smiled and continued to sing.

She paused for a moment to realize that she was not the least bit aggravated at the traffic jam and could not think of a sarcastic thing to ponder about her fellow commuters.

Maybe she was high.

She thinks back in her mind to see if she can recall any mysterious odors and realizes that she must just be happy and not high at all. She had not even refueled her car that day.

Just after turning onto her office's street, she noticed the sexy dark muscle car in her rear view mirror.

Upon second glance she also noticed that the sexy little car had one of those obnoxious maneuverable spotlights near the top of the door...

She then noticed the cute little strip of lights in the dash...

She inhaled...

....wait for it...

Ohhhhhh....

Just as she exhaled, the pretty little lights came on to brighten her morning drive like the ringing in of a new year...

500 yards away from her office.

"Dammit", she thought. "Why did I pick today to wear makeup?"

After her friendly chat with the sweet officer, she took another breath.

"Thank goodness I got that over with first thing in the morning. It can only go up!" she reassured herself as she stepped her foot out of her car and felt pleased at her choice in shoes this day.

She was only 4 minutes late as she rushed to her desk, her dress sleeve catching on a display and promply pulling it to the floor.

Ughhhhh!

She dove into her work as if none of the prior events had taken place, She had learned well to do that after having sex with her former spouse...

Monday, November 5, 2007

S w a l l o w e d

I want to eat myself.

Swallow myself.

Eat every last bit until I disappear... disappear... disappear...

I want to throw me up and watch myself swirl down the abyss.

It will never be enough.

Friday, November 2, 2007

The Screaming Poet

I first met her in the bathroom.

She was dressed in a radiant ultramarine blue ensemble and was applying more makeup than was necessary to her cherubic face.

I washed my hands and complimented her on the beauty of her color choice.

She continued to shade in her eyelids to make them match her blouse.

She beamed at me the smile of a girl who was not accustomed to receiving complements from strangers.

Possibly not from those familiar with her either.

She was sweet.

I had no idea who she was.

We continued to chat as I dried my hands and she painted on a thin coat of confidence.

In my mind I hoped she was not there on a date and if she was, I hoped he would be kind to her.

She seemed delicate.

As I sat at my table dining with friends, I noticed her again.

She was with a group.

Mixed peers and what looked like might be her parents.

I hoped that her mother was being nice to her and minding her opinions.

I imagine her mother harping on her every chew. Her every cut into her meal. Was it too big? Too small? Was she chewing properly?

I have no idea why I thought those things.

I did not have that type of mother.

She looked like she did.

I wanted to hug her.

Maybe it was the glass of Shiraz.

We finished our meal and headed into the reading room.

The poetry was about to begin.

He announces the first poet.

Speaks of her newly published book called "Awe".

In the back of the room I see her again.

She looks excited.

Is she a fan of this "Awe" poet Dorothea Lasky?

Ourselves were there to hear Jane Ellen Ibur.

We had not heard of this Lasky woman.

She is giggling like a tween at a Jonas Brothers sighting as he gushes about the Lasky woman.

She is holding a copy of "Awe".

Raquel and I sip our Shiraz and watch this woman-child get excited about the unknown poet.

We make the Gweneth-Paltrow-scrunchie-face-of-indifference at each other, shrug and sip some more Shiraz.

We had no idea how much we would need more wine to successfully survive the next 8 minutes.

He finishes the introduction and the little blue cherub makes her way to the front.

"Ohhhhhhhh....!"

Yes. Now that makes much more sense.

She starts speaking in that same sweet voice I encountered in the ladies' room.

Then she begins her reading.

It is called "Diabetic Coma".

She screams it.

The entire thing.

Like a six year old in a school production.

She screams.

And not just for that poem.

For all of the poems.

Wine is not served with screaming.

Jack Daniels is served with screaming.

I try to get centered.

It is possible that she is fantastic, but she is so loud that I cannot hear what she says.

I center my hand to my brow and practice breathing and willing my ears to fill with glorious wax.

I start giggling like a child in church.

The awful kind that is uncontrollable because it is so very wrong.

I am hoping that her poems are humorous so that my obnoxiousness can masquerade as sheer appreciation for her genius.

Raquel knows better and it is contagious.

I know she wants to pinch me.

My eyes are wide.

My mouth falls slightly agape.

Raquel and I look at each other.

Raquel's mother and I look at each other.

Raquel and her mom look at each other.

Raquel looks at her aunt.

Her aunt looks at me.

My lips disappear.

I whisper to Raquel, "But I swear she was normal in the bathroom!"

She finishes reading and our ears are assaulted with the beautiful sound of silence.

We are indeed in awe.

The end.

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*Note: As a side note, I must admit that I was so curious about this girl and so convinced that she is one of the most misunderstood woman-child poets in existence, that I sought to read her poems in the luxury of silence.

They really are quite good.

She is incredibly human and that comes through in her words. She really just needs some mild polish in the performance category, and she may take the poetry world by storm.

Check out some of her work here: Dorothea Lasky